http://www.thegreenwolf.com/images/mmm.jpg">

The above image is the cover art for 's forthcoming
book, http://www.thegreenwolf.com/mmm.html">Multi-Media
Magic--artwork care of http://www.nemo.org">Nemo (the
same artist who brought you the covers for Konton magazine). We're
still taking preorders, and the title is due out next month. This
still gives you plenty of time to get in your order so you can find
out what's wrong with academic approaches to magic, how multi-modality
relates to magic, and just what the heck clothing, pop culture,
corporations and occultism all have in common. Why do Bill Whitcomb,
Phil Farber, and Ronald Hutton all agree that this is a great book? href="http://www.thegreenwolf.com/mmm.html">Click here to find
out!

Also, here's another bit of cover art for ya:

http://www.thegreenwolf.com/images/wmcover.jpg">

This is for http://www.thegreenwolf.com/wm.html">Manifesting
Prosperity: A Wealth Magic Anthology--while it's not available for
preorder, we now have not only cover art, but a complete table of
contents up to give you a taste of what's coming in February. Click on
the title for more information!

I found this tape that a friend of mine, now dead as I far I know, made for me a long time ago with John Terlazzo's music. Most of you probably never heard of John's music. He's a local poet and musician in York, really gifted in my opinion. I'm listening to these songs, songs I used to listen to, to comfort me when I was sad or unhappy. They are good songs for today, because I am working my way through some uncomfortable emotions.

To address some of that, I wrote a post on the Imagine Your Reality blog, on giving yourself permission to feel emotions. I hope it will help some of you that I know are also working through some emotions.

http://www.themagicalbuffet.com/Issues/Vol02_Iss13/Article_085.html

I wrote this a while ago...click the link to see the reprint.

 

Also if you are interested check out my new blog on my process to become a life coach http://www.imagineyourreality.wordpress.com 

In a roundabout way this came up in a conversation last night, and since I got to thinking about it, I thought I'd write something up.

Convention bores me. I've been identified as an anomaly when it comes to the practice of magic, and that's a fairly accurate assessment, because experimentation necessarily involves becoming an anomaly: going outside the traditional boundaries and norms that define the conventional approach to any subject.

I remember when I first really began experimenting with magic. It was when I learned that I'd been diagnosed with bipolar 2 or what is called manic depression. I was diagnosed as well as a potential MPD (Multiple Personality disorder) and schizotypal to boot. And given that I'd spent most of my childhood and teenage years depressed, I think the diagnosis (at least as it applied to bipolar 2) was fairly accurate. The rest of the diagnosis...well while I certainly have a very fluid identity, I'm not sure that qualifies me as MPD, so much as flexible when it comes to how I use identity to navigate life.

As for the schizotypal...they'll give anyone that who believes in magic and displays unconventional thinking, but as Rorschach, in Watchmen says, "Your hands...My perspective" and that's exactly right...My perspective. See it's rather easy to label something, but the perspective you cultivate to deal with that label will determine what that label really means to you. And in my case, when I got the official diagnosis, which confirmed all along a very prevalent problem in my life, I knew something had to be done about it.

I was eighteen when I found out. I looked at my family history and through my mom's side found out that there was a genetic predisposition toward depression. Adding in everything that happened to me as I grew up and my brain was a chemical cocktail for depression. I'd seen the side effects that drugs had on people and althought I was urged to take medicine, I'd lived with depression for so long that I knew I could function. And I didn't want to deal with side effects. I was determined to find an unconventional and permanent solution to my depression, even if it had to occur through will power alone.

I began to experiment with magic, but nothing seemed to work. All of the practices, all the concepts I knew were conventional. Useful? certainly for somethings, but not for curing what seemed to be a biological predestiny. But I never believed in fate, or predestination. I believed in only the magic, and myself, for those were the two constants in my life, but I realized that if I was going to heal myself, I had to go outside of conventional approaches. I had to look for information that you wouldn't find in your average manual on magic. I had to understand more about how the body worked, before I could really interact with it.

Two years later, twenty years old, and reading about meta-programming the human biocomputer by john Lilly and reading Barbara Ann Brennan's energy work model, which included Lilly's work, I realized I had found the start of my journey to heal myself. Adding in Wilson's interpretation of Leary's eight circuit helped me understand the behavior patterns I was stuck in, though it offered little help in actully moving past those patterns. I took all of those approaches and experimented with the concept of energetically travelling into my body and altering not only the electro-chemistry of my brain, but also the genetic structure so that I could change the genetic predisposition. And it worked...suddenly the depression was gone, and there was no bringing it back...I only had to deal with the sudden influx of emotions that I had rarely felt and never understood. The first half of my twenties were very crazy years and even after it took a while to really stabilize...afterall how do you stabilize anything if you don't know how to handle it in the first place? It takes time. And further experimentation.

Of course my experimentation was no longer just to meet a specific goal of healing myself. I also began experimenting further to channel the intensity of the emotions I felt, and also because I was and am driven by a relentless curiousity to see what I can do. I realized that I had a strong foundation in traditional magical practices, but that I wanted more...I wanted to see if I could evolve those practices, reinvent the wheel, continue pushing my limits.

And that's still the case, and it's why I'm so unconventional, why I prefer to look outside the magical toolbox to see what everyone else is playing with and then incorporate that into my magical practices. What makes magic so wonderful isn't just the efficacy of the tried and true techniques, it's the fact that those techniques can be adapted to a wide variety of alternative and unconventional approaches.

your hands...my perspective. My perspective to change my reality. My perspective to take the various disciplines and studies and adapt them to magic, and adapt magic to them. My perspective to push past the limits, to push past convention, to test myself as much as possible as possible for the sheer joy of it, to see what I really can do. Instead of accepting what others tell me as truth, manifesting my own truth through my choices, and through my perspective.

I will always be the unconventional magician, the anomaly, the experimenter, because that is my calling, my role, my self-chosen label, and my desire.

I am still sick today, or at least in a state of mind that resembles it. Nothing too horrid, and yes I am at work...this being my last week, we need the money, and I can manage with how I'm feeling, though it is passing weird to feel that my arms feel like noodles. All the same, I'm actually not that discomfitted.

 I received a rather different email today via witchvox from a person in Nigeria. Said person wanted to know if I could send them a power object that would make them invisible. I can only imagine how that person would use it, but frankly I have no such artifacts to offer to anyone. Invisibility is more a matter of observation and perspective and discipline than anything that resides in a object. And if you don't know what I mean by that, read the Adding Machine by william S. Burroughs...in it is an excellent essay all about had to become invisible.

Speaking of witchvox, one of my articles is evidently on the list of most-read articles up to this point. Article on daily magical practice: http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=usor&c=words&id=11687

I'm quite flattered. Note I wrote that in deadpan, but I do appreciate the fact that my writing is being read and hopefully helping others.

And since we are on the topic of writing, check out the latest issue of Rending the Veil, which features an interview with Henry Rollins, an article by me on enlightenment, some by Lupa, Daven, and other assorted persons. http://www.rendingtheveil.com

And today I was reading the book, Influencer, which is by a number of authors. They made an excellent point about self-esteem, in the sense that self-esteem is not nearly as positive a force as people might think...I agree and I'll explain why. While on the surface it would seem that self-esteem is a wonderful, and indeed having self-confidence, can be good, we also have to look at the cultural baggage attached to the concept of self-esteem, most noticeably the focus on indvidualism and the notion that an individual must be responsible for hir own sense of worth. This is a lot of pressure to put on an individual. I wonder sometimes if one reason depression is so prevalent is simply because feel the need to be such individuals that they isolate themselves. Given that I spent most of my life depressed, I might also add that I was very much an individual to the point of being a social outcast...only in recent years did I really find a sense of self-worth and that occurred partially communal interaction, which reinforced a more positive perception of myself.

While it's true that over-reliance on other people to fulfill a sense of worth is co-dependent, there is something to be said for having an inter-connective relationship with other people, wherein a healthy amount of feedback, both critical and appreciative can be expressed. In working on my issues surrounding approval and attention, I realized I never received a healthy amount of attention or approval in my childhood...my late teenage years was when when I started to. Of late I've been learning to recognize a healthier balance between seeking attention from others and attending to my own needs. It's taken a long time, because there was no model.

In the aformentioned book, an excellent point is made, that a sense of self-worth is partially generated from genuinely choosing to care about others and to show that both in terms of critical and appreciative feedback. One way, I do that, at work, is to make sure my co-workers know how much I appreciate their efforts on my behalf and/or let them know (diplomatically) when I need more. I cannot help but notice that when I do this, I get co-workers who actually want to help me...and who feel affirmed for what they are doing. In other words, I help them build up confidence in themselves and in the relationship between us. I know when I get feedback and its useful, I also feel more confident.

When I apply this to Lupa, of late, I've been making an extra effort to acknowledge her criticisms in a rational manner and also to acknowledge her efforts. I've noticed that the tension has been slowly decreasing between us as I do this and she seems happier. I cannot help but note that I do have an impact on her self-esteem, just as she has one on me. This does not mean we are co-dependent, but it does mean that we care about each other and how we express that can and does impact how we feel about ourselves...and this true in general. It is so important to remember that none of us are just individuals.

We are connected...take a moment to acknowledge that connection, to acknowledge each other. The appreciation will go a long way toward helping each other manifest a sense of self that is not alone, and isolated.